Intercourse Extras
by winehoes
Summary: Pretty girls, spooning, and crazy moms are just the tip of thrusting into the depths of Intercourse, AL.
1. Intercourse's Smartie pusher

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><em>Ting.<em>

Score.

_Ting._

Score.

_Ting._

Score. Again. God, I'm so damned bored. Throwing tic tac's in the trash can is definitely low on my list of entertainment options. What time was it anyway? A glance at the clock let me know I had about ten more minutes until my break. Jasper should be here soon, then I can smoke some of this new bud I just finished drying out. I looked around before pulling out my supplies. I know better than to actually think anyone is going to be looking, no one is ever looking in this town.

I pulled out the bud and held it to my nose inhaling deeply. God, this shit smelled ripe. There was a hint of mint in this batch that caused my nose to burn slightly, but oh it was such a good kind of burn. I grabbed a pair of scissors to cut it up, I tried to tear it, but it was so sticky it was just sticking right back together. I was about to get blasted into next week with this shit. Fuck yeah. I had enough for two joints so I went ahead and rolled them both. I figured by the time I got off tonight I'd be ready for another one anyway.

The bell ringing from above the entrance door of the store let me know Jasper was here. Time to fire it minutes later and Jasper and I are sitting around the back of the store on a couple milk crates leaning against the wall. Aaaannd I'm blitzed. Seriously. I have no clue how long we've been out here. I look over at Jasper and I wonder if he even knows I'm here.

"Jasper," I called and kicked his foot with my shoe. I got nothing.

"Jasper," I said again a little louder pushing his milk crate a little harder than I intended sending his ass onto the ground. Oops.

"What the fuck Ed, that's shit's not cool man," he slurred. Fuck, and I thought_ I_ was high. Alice is going to have to come pick his ass up, there's no way he can drive. It would take him over an hour to get home and he lives less than three miles from here. He would give the term slow ride a whole new meaning.

"Sorry dude," I laughed, "I didn't mean to kick that shit out from under you I was just trying to get your attention." Just because I didn't mean to do it didn't mean that shit still wasn't funny.

"I never thought I'd say some shit like this, but I can't wait for school to start back." Jasper sighed. _Come__ again?_

"Please, Jasper, by all means, enlighten me as to why exactly is it that you are ready to go back to early mornings, shitty lunches, annoying students, and bullshit homework?" I asked. Because this I really wanted to hear.

"Because then you'll have other people to fuck with you damn prankster!" he exclaimed, well as much as someone who could barely hold their eyes open could exclaim. And I had to laugh at that, I really had given everyone hell this summer.

"I'm sorry man, I'm don't know what my deal is, I've just been more restless than usually this summer," I said, reaching up to pull my hat off and scratch the back of my head. Fuck I needed a haircut again. I wonder if ma will have time to do it this weekend. Shits gotten itchy.

"...maybe then." _What?_

"Jasper, dude," I said and held up my hand to stop him rambling, "I have no fucking clue what you just said, all I heard was maybe then." I finished putting my hat back on. I'd have to worry about that hair cut later.

Jasper huffed out a breath. "I said", he stressed, "that maybe that new girl moving to town will be able to distract you for a while. At least until school starts. Maybe then the rest of us can catch a break." He pulled out his phone and started texting. Probably to Alice for her to come get his ass.

I hadn't really thought too much about this new girl coming to town. What would she be like? Could she take a joke, was she fun? Could she help me fuck with these clowns even. I laughed to myself at that, it would be pretty cool to have a partner in crime. I'd have to see if she could handle pranks being pulled on her first, I don't want someone who can only stand a good prank as long as they are not at the wrong end of it.

"All right man, Rose is dropping Allie off to drive me home," Jasper said standing. It was then that I realized he never got off the ground when I kicked the crate. Lazy fucker.

"Cool, cool. I'll catch you guys tomorrow then." I said stretching; I needed something to drink likedamn it. This cotton mouth ain't no joke.

_Ting._

Score.

_Ting._

Score.

Just as I was about to toss another tic tac into the trash can the door to the front of the store opened and in walked a girl. Huh. I wondered who she was, I'd never seen her before. As she made her way to the middle of the store I finally got a good look at her. Holy shit she's smokin. Like everything about this chick was hot.

She turned to walk down the aisle and my God, thousands of kittens were going to die tonight. I felt like turning my hat around and channeling my inner Sir Mix Alot, because baby's got some back. I didn't of course, what kind of loser do I look like? I did however, stare at her ass for an inappropriate length of time. Shit, if I was going to kill kittens I might as well make sure I had the visual right. And can I just say whoever designed yoga pants- you are my hero.

I realized that in all the time I had been staring at this girl's ass she had yet to move. I looked out front to see if anyone was waiting on her and noticed a vaguely familiar car. Was that...oh please, oh please, oh please let that be old Ms. Stillwater's old car. Please let this be the new girl. Please don't let her have a shitty attitude. She's really fucking pretty, and most are either a bitch or stuck up. I had to find out.

Fuck my summer could be saved after all.

I walked down the aisle and noticed she was looking at candy. Shit, when was the last time I put in an inventory purchase? I couldn't remember. What I could remember was that kid breaking his fucking tooth on some old ass M&M's, which she happened to be eying. Maybe I could get her to buy some Smarties. I asked if I could help her and she jumped a little. Did she really not hear me approach? Was she high? Oh please let her be a toker.

She looked up at me and, _fuck_, she was really fucking pretty. Lots and lots of kittens would be no more in a matter of hours. She asked about the candy and I gave her the best advice I could, considering I never ate any of this shit here anyway. We made our way towards the register and I asked if she needed anything else.

My mind was obviously not in the same place as hers because she asked for a pack of cigarettes and, damn it, that shit sucked. I hated cigarettes. I know I sound like a hypocrite. Do I look like I give a fuck? She must have noticed the look on my face because she called me out on it. Huh, feisty. And apparently willing to explore other types of smoke inhalation, there may be hope yet.

Remembering the extra joint I rolled earlier I pulled t out and offered to smoke out with her. When she looked me in the eye I knew right then this girl was gonna be trouble. Her eyes held a glint of mischief and the slight smirk on her face let me know that I might have a partner in crime after all.

First things first though, let's see what this city girl was made of. Time to break out the old Stillwater story.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading!<strong>


	2. Intercourse's Little Spoon

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.  
><strong>

**Emmett's cow tippin' tale.  
><strong>

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><p>"Move you stupid fuckers!" I yelled, hauling ass toward the nearest fucking hay bail.<p>

I was going to die, right here in this God damned field with the stupidest assholes I had ever met. Why didn't I stay in Intercourse with Rose? It's so much safer there. I could be at work with Dr. C, blazing with Ed or a million other fucking things. But no. I had to agree to go with these assholes from Cuba cow tipping.

It started off normal enough until someone thought 'hey lets drop a hit of acid before we go'. I'm never going to be able and maintain my 4.0 GPA if I keep this shit up, much less get into Veterinary school. Rose is going to kick my ass if I survive this.

A blood curdling scream made me whip my head around in time to see Demetri flying through the air. Shit. That steer totally just sent his ass airborne with his horns. Just a few more steps, I thought, before I heard heavy breathing behind me. _Oh god, oh god, oh god...please don't gore me. I'm too pretty to die._

I latched onto the hay bail and scrambled as quickly as possible on top right before another steer rammed into the side full force. The entire bail rocked and I just knew I was fucked and this thing was going to tip over making me a sitting duck. And wouldn't that just be a bitch. The cow doing the tipping, I guess this was karma's way of saying 'take that shit, fucker!'.

When I didn't land on the ground, I peeked up to survey my surroundings. What a fucking nightmare. I'm tripping balls on top of a damn bail of hay while Felix, Demetri, and Santiago run for their fucking lives. It's their own damn fault too. When they said we should go cow tipping didn't they know better than to pick a farm where rodeo bulls are kept. These fuckers were out for blood.

I felt another jolt and nearly shit myself before I heard Felix behind me yelling to move the fuck over.

"You stupid assholes!" I yelled smacking him in the arm. "What the hell were you thinking picking this fucking farm for cow tipping? Do you have a death wish?"

"I didn't know!" Felix cried. "They talked all fast and confused me and I didn't understand." He sobbed beside me. Poor stupid bastard.

"Fine. I have no fucking clue what to do other than wait them out. So, get comfy and I swear to God if you make me fall off this fucking hay bail I will make sure I gore you myself if I live," I swore, moving to the other side.

I curled into a fetal position listening to the sounds of the night; crickets, owls, Demetri and Santiago's pleas for mercy as the continued to try and get away from the psycho killer bulls. All the while I tripped, the acid making it all the more vivid and fucking crazy. The last thing I remember is the quiet sobbing of Felix behind me...

"Well, well, well. What do we have here boys?" An amused voice said from somewhere near by.

Where the fuck was I? Something sharp poking into my cheek caused me to lift my head. That's the only part of my body that I could move though. I felt a heavy weight on top of me holding me down. And it was fucking hot. As I took in my surroundings I noticed a hand dangling over my shoulder. _The fuck?_ I looked down and saw a boot flung over my legs as well.

That's when I heard someone laughing again. Looking over I saw an older guy in a truck barely keeping a straight face while staring right at me. That, however, was not what caught my eye. A haggard looking Demetri and Santiago huddled in the back of the truck looking everywhere but me was what finally brought everything back to me.

Hanging with the guys, drinking, dropping acid, the attempted cow tipping at a fucking bull farm with Demetri, Santago, and...Felix.

That thought made me stiffen. I looked down at the hand and leg throw over my body and suddenly realized my position. I was the little spoon. And Felix was behind me. Fuck no. I tried to move causing Felix to stir which shifted his hips. Into my back. And that was the final straw. Morning wood in the back was enough to make me look like the Incredible Hulk ripping out of a fucking cage.

My sudden movement sent Felix flying off the hay bail in the opposite direction and landing on the ground with a thud.

"What the hell man," Felix started before I jumped over to him.

"No, you listen to me," I seethed. "You made me little spoon fucker. I feel violated," I said trying not to vomit in my mouth.

"This!" I yelled looking at everyone while making a circular motion to anything in the fucking vicinity. "Never fucking happened, are we clear?" Everyone looked at me for a second before nodding. All except the old guy in the truck who was now openly laughing.

"Serves you little fuckers right," he said laughing. "Now get the fuck off my property before I let my bulls have another go at you."

With that we took off like a shot.

_I've never going to be able to look at hay the same again...  
><em>

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading!<em><br>_**


	3. Intercourse's Cupcake Queen

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><p><strong>Esme<strong>

Let's see- I needed to stop by the market before I head into the store later today. I just must see if those new sugar petals have come in yet. They'll look absolutely perfect on the cake for the Johnson wedding next weekend. A truck door slamming pulled me from my musing and I pulled the curtain back to peek out the kitchen window.

Edward was walking around the side of his truck with a grin the size of Aunt Betty's bottom and for all the world looked like the cat that caught the canary. What in the world has gotten into that boy? I walked outside and leaned against the porch railing as he began unloading all the camping equipment from the back of his truck.

"Hey honey, how was the dance?" I asked expectantly. Dance my ass. That boy no more went to that dance last night than I went grocery shopping naked. Didn't happen. He looks up at me with a lazy smile and pink cheeks, pulling off that dreadful trucker's hat he insisted on wearing all the damn time and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I had a great time mom," he answered. Or didn't answer. I swear when will these kids learn they aren't smarter than their parents?

"You do much dancin'?" I asked trying to hide my smile. It was especially hard to do when that big goofy grin smeared itself across his face. My, my, my.

"Uh...no not really," Edward stuttered all pink cheeked and adorable. And that's when I knew my son had been bedded, properly. I'm not naive; I found condoms in his room, leaving no doubt my son has long since tossed his virginity aside. He's too handsome not to.

But this, this was something different all together. I'd never seen him quiet so flustered, and if I'm not mistaken, absolutely smitten. It must be that new girl I heard him talking to Carlisle about, Bell, Bella- something like that. She'd apparently landed herself in a spot of trouble back in New York and was working off her community service at Stitched or Stuffed. Lord knows neither one of us have any room to judge someone.

Edward's face would be positively puce if he knew about the time his daddy and I had been arrested for indecent exposure, and that was after smoking one of mother nature's many flowering plants. I sighed wistfully, indecent indeed.

"And you two went camping after you _didn't_ do much dancing?" I goaded. I mean, really, he's my only child and after this year he'll be gone off to college leaving Intercourse behind for bigger and better things. Might as well give him as much hell as I can now, that way Carlisle and I can laugh fondly about it while we sit around our empty home, naked. I might have been secretly marking the days off on my calender.

"Mom, you sure are awfully nosy this morning aren't you?" he asked playfully, coming up to me and flinging his arm over my shoulders. Mhmm. Don't try that Cullen charm on me, youngin'.

"I'm just wondering what has you looking so, what's the word I'm looking for?" I paused tapping my chin with my finger. "Oh I know!" I exclaimed. "Sated!"

"Mom!" Edward shouted, recoiling away from me as his face paled.

"Satisfied?" I questioned innocently. Edward groaned and ran his hands down his face looking a little worse for wear. I figured I'd give him a break for now, I had bigger fish to fry. Like deciding how I was going to meet his girl.

"You run on in and get ready, you've got to open the store this morning and I need to make some cupcakes," I said and pulled the bill of his hat down to his nose causing him to grumble.

Looks like I'd be making a pit stop by Stitched or Stuffed this morning. Hopefully this girl would be as strange and ridiculous as Carlisle said, otherwise Intercourse was going to eat her alive.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading!<strong>


	4. Intercourse's Cockblock Busters

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

"Hey, Rose, can I talk to you a second?" I asked, looking around to make sure Bella wasn't about to pop up out of no where.

"Yeah, sure, what's up?" she asked, smiling at me.

"So, tonight's the dance."

"Yes, I'm aware," she chuckled.

"Shut up." I laughed, shaking my head at her. "I need you and Alice to get ready at Bella's house tonight," I said, watching her grin widen.

"Do you now?" she asked, one of her eyebrows almost touching her hairline. Fuck, she had some strong forehead muscles.

"Yes," I sighed, "and I need you to pack Bella an overnight bag with some clothes for camping," I added, waiting for her catch on.

"Oh, thank fucking God," she sighed dramatically. "If you two didn't fuck soon_ I _was going to die from all the sexual frustration you two put out," she laughed, swatting my hand away when I tried to smack her. Smart ass.

"What's with you and worrying about us finally hooking us?" I asked with a smirk on my face.

She shrugged, unapologetic. "It'll be hot," she answered nonchalantly.

"The fuck, Rose?" I laughed, trying not to choke to fucking death. She grinned then sauntered down the hall away from me.

"Consider it done!" she yelled over her shoulder, still laughing. Fuck, I loved that chick. Now I just needed to get through the rest of this day without dying from blue balls.

When the last bell rang, I ran out to the parking lot hoping to catch Jasper before he left. I had shit I needed to do and I was going to need his help.

"Jasper!" I yelled, jogging across the parking lot to catch up with him.

"Sup, man?" he asked, leaning against his truck.

"I need your help with some shit, are you busy right now?" I asked, running my hand through my hair nervously. Fuck, I couldn't wait for tonight, we'd been cockblocked so many times I was ready to call the Guinness Book of World Records. That is, if my fucking hand didn't snap off at my wrist from all the jacking off I'd done lately. Jasper looked and me and smirked. Fucker.

"Sure, I've got some time," he drawled. "I'm assuming this has something to do with you sending the girls over to Bella's house to get ready tonight?" he questioned with a smirk, knowing that it was exactly the fucking reason.

"Man, I just need you to help me set up the tent and shit so we won't have to bother with all of that," I explained, nervously running a hand over my mouth.

"Yeah, no problem. You want me to spread rose petals everywhere as well?" Jasper asked seriously before I punched the shit out of his arm, then laughed. Yeah, it was funny but, shit.

I threw everything we'd need into the back of my truck and tried to focus on the conversation Jasper was trying to indulge me with, but I fucking couldn't. I couldn't think about anything except Bella. How she was going to look, and what she was going to say when she realized my plan, and how she'd react to find out we were no longer cockblocked.

I smiled to myself as I pulled into the camp site. Jasper called me out for not listening to a single fucking word he'd said and I just shrugged. Not to be a dick, but I had other things on my mind.

Thirty minutes later, after everything was set up, we headed out so we could both go home to shower. I was fucking nervous, but I wasn't. It was weird, but Bella just got me. It was like she was fucking supposed to come barreling into my life and turn it upside fucking down, in the best fucking way.

As soon as I got out of my truck at her house I knew there was no fucking way we were going to that fucking dance. She was trying to fucking kill me right now, I was sure of it. I wondered if Charlie would be offended if I just threw her over my shoulder and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom. Or better yet, hoist her up on that fucking porch rail she'd teased me with. I shifted my weight, trying to discreetly adjust my junk that had been hard since she came in the store that first night with those fucking yoga pants on.

I heard Emmett and Jasper snickering beside me; I guess I wasn't too fucking discreet.

"Yeah, laugh it up fuckers," I mumbled so only they could hear me. Let them go two months with blue balls and see how they handled that shit.

She walked over to me with a smile on her face and I told her she looked nice. Understatement of the fucking century. And then I realized Bella _always_ looked nice, even when she had horse shit in her hair. It was weird, but I wasn't going to dwell on it too much.

I helped her into the truck, a lame excuse to touch her, and jogged around to hop in. I decided against saying anything about camping and waited patiently for her to realize we'd passed the school. I told her about the plan when she called me out; how the girls packed her shit for her and that I actually was going to take her to the dance...until I saw her.

The look on her face when I told her that? Fuck. She was looking at me with wide eyes, her lips parted, her breathing heavy; which of course drew my eyes to her chest, which made me think about seeing her naked and feeling the weight of her tits when I put them in my mouth. Motherfucker, she had to stop looking at me like that right the fuck now, and I told her as much.

I had no idea what we talked about the rest of the drive to the campsite. All I could think about was sticking my hand under her dress. I'm a guy, fucking sue me. After we smoked I was able to calm the fuck down enough to get changed and drag the food and shit from the cooler.

As soon as she came out of the tent wearing nothing but a t-shirt and flip flops, I knew she was thinking the same thing as me. But we were here now, and there was no one around to fucking cockblock us, so we had time to sit and eat and chill. But just for a little bit because, like I said, two fucking months is a long time to have blue balls.

I suggested we move into the tent because I was probably about to lose my fucking mind. And when I almost got into a fight with the zipper on the tent, that's when I _really _knew I was about to lose my mind. And then Bella decided to call my ass out on being nervous. I laughed and denied it because I was a guy, and I didn't get nervous about sex. At least, I didn't think so until I started talking out of my ass.

Fuck me, I did _not _just tell her I was going to tear her pussy up. What the fuck was wrong with me? She laughed at my statement until I was pretty sure she was going to piss her pants, and fuck that. I was not going to let her cockblock us. I sat quietly with a blank stare as her laughter finally died down. I asked if she was done and, thank fucking God, she was.

I scooted closer to her and was about to bring my lips to her neck when she said, "Let the fucking begin."

I wanted to laugh, so fucking hard, but I knew that'd only delay this even longer. So I held that shit back and told her to stop talking because we could talk later. Right now, I wanted to show her what I'd been wanting to do since I first laid eyes on her.

I tugged at her underwear and, with a sly smile, told her to take them off. She frantically moved to pull them down as I pulled off my shorts. I immediately moved my hand between her legs because now that I was able to touch her, there was no way I was ever going to stop.

I slid two fingers into her and wanted to laugh when she said she didn't want foreplay. She pushed against my hand, faster now, still claiming she didn't need foreplay. I scraped my teeth across her neck and had no intention of stopping until she mumbled she just wanted me.

That was all it took to get me to pull away so I could hover over her. This fucking crazy girl, with her smart mouth, missing verbal filter, and beautiful fucking..._everything_. Her quirks, her ability to take a joke, and give me shit just as much as I gave her; she was fucking perfect, for _me_. She was it, for _me_.

As soon as I was inside her it was like everything else just faded away. All I could see and feel was her, and she felt _so_ fucking good, _too_ fucking good. I wasn't going to last and she was going to call me out on that shit and, fuck that, I would not be the guy who blew his load too soon.

Our bodies moved together and I tried not to focus on how fucking good it felt, and then she asked why I was so fucking hot. And, who the hell says shit like that while you're having sex? But I laughed and it took my mind off screwing all of this up. I rolled us over and watched as  
>she rolled her hips against mine; watched as she moved on top of me.<p>

I closed my eyes with a groan and then opened them with a low curse. I had to fucking ask if she was close, because I sure as hell was and I needed to know. She bit on her lip and nodded, the simple gesture making her seem vulnerable and shy. Which I was pretty sure wasn't a look she often had, and I really hoped that if it only happened in moments like this that I would be the only one to see this side of her.

Moving my hand between us, I rubbed her clit, loving how her body responded. As soon as she came I knew I would be right behind her. I groaned out her name and sat upright, keeping our bodies together. I wound my arms under hers and wrapped my hands around her shoulder, pushing into her as deep as I could as I came.

I held her tightly as I tried to catch my breath and all I could do was think about how I wanted to do this with her over and over again. And then she smiled at me, and I was lost. I knew right then I loved her, and that I would want her for the rest of my life.

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><p><strong>AN:**

**For Kassiah. Thanks for reading.**


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